I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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