Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
