I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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