The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
