apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
