She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
