My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
