I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
