there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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