i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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