I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize