I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
