News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
the raccoons are back...
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