I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
