Texts From Last Night

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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

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  (402): apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor. (717): But why'd she put it on the conveyor then? http://tfl.nu/v0cx
  Replies (4) Good night (2636) Bad night (571)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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  (314): Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one http://tfl.nu/zke4
  Replies (3) Good night (1077) Bad night (3108)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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  (920): just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny http://tfl.nu/f2gi
  Replies (39) Good night (2241) Bad night (7431)
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  (707): View more from California

  I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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  (707): I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA http://tfl.nu/ppt3
  Replies (24) Good night (3178) Bad night (1468)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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  (403): I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time http://tfl.nu/r2ul
  Replies (12) Good night (2492) Bad night (660)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.

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  (201): Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that. http://tfl.nu/wq84
  Replies (7) Good night (1402) Bad night (642)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???

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  (402): I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end??? http://tfl.nu/eolj
  Replies (4) Good night (1608) Bad night (639)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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  (214): Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done. http://tfl.nu/4t9f
  Replies (4) Good night (1046) Bad night (546)
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  (949): View more from California

  i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want

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  (949): i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want http://tfl.nu/5io1
  Replies (10) Good night (470) Bad night (703)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.

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  (908): Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers. http://tfl.nu/nu4z
  Replies (6) Good night (792) Bad night (418)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.

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  (407): Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it. http://tfl.nu/49t8
  Replies (0) Good night (754) Bad night (309)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.

  (941): View more from Florida

  I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.

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  (941): So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar. (941): I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/b83h
  Replies (4) Good night (632) Bad night (732)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment

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  (651): I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment http://tfl.nu/g035
  Replies (2) Good night (494) Bad night (244)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.

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  (732): I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab. (848): No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've. http://tfl.nu/k222
  Replies (6) Good night (975) Bad night (264)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.

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  (815): I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed. http://tfl.nu/n3t2
  Replies (2) Good night (321) Bad night (475)

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