I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
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You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."