I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.