You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
