I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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