why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
