I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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