Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
