God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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