I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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