I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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