You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
