my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
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at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
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I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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