I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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