My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
