I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
