My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
