And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
