So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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