Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
