Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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