If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
