I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
