You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
