How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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