I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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