I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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