Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
