based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
How external is "for external use only"?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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