i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
