Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
