T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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