why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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