her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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