Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
