Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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