I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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