just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
