The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
