i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
high people should be assigned attendants
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
a search helicopter?!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
