I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
