Is it normal to miss your booty call?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Who died my cat blue again?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
