My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
third nipple confirmed
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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