What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
