hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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