Tell her she can't have a vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
