The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
