she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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