I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
