You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
