he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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